Holy Strip Clubs: The Future Of Evangelism: A satire on state of the Church
In the little community of Sheul Hills, Utah, the local church is creating quite a stir in their quest to share their faith. And it begins with a trip to the local strip joint.
Apparently after a long day working in the local coal mines, many of the men seek the kind of relief only found at Leavenly’s. The long established “gentlemen’s club” has serviced the men of this little town for years, providing entertainment more unique than any other watering hole, restaurant or even sports venue in the area. Bob Bellaz, owner of the club since 1964 claims they are providing a great service to the towns people. “The men come here, blow off a little steam, maybe get a lap dance, have a beer and then go home to their families. Everyone wins”, states Mr Bellaz.
The Church at Sheul Hills, sees it differently. “The problem is that some of these men spend all their money there, come home broke, drunk and the family ultimately suffers. It is a blight on the community”, says Reverend Juda S. Kain, “but we’re about to change things and redeem it for a higher purpose”
So what is the church doing to combat this “sin”? Nothing you’d ever expect. They are lap-dancing!
The Rev. Kain has implemented a plan using one of his congregants that work at Leavenly’s to train some of the more attractive women to “minister” to the men at the club by giving lap dances. Charles Leton is that worker (and step-brother of the club owner) and he claims that there is an opportunity for ministry here. “I see all kinds of guys here and see how they are hurting. So I thought what better way to minster. They really are a captive audience!” Mr Leton continued, ” I have been training these upstanding women for this job and making sure there hearts and minds are ready to serve, while at the same time making sure that they are doing the physical aspect of the job with enthusiasm, because I don’t want them to get fired, but to continue working and reaching out to these lost souls.”
Now before you judge a book by it’s cover, the minister has a divine purpose in mind.
“It is a two-fold answer to the community problem”, says Kain, “while the woman are dancing with these men they are up close and able to effectively share the testimony of their lives and share with the men the need for divine direction for their own lives. Secondly, the money they earn is donated directly to the church where it can be used for a higher purpose and maybe even help others in the community.” Some of the other benefits the Reverend states are the women are becoming physically healthy and some have even met there husbands there for a dance. He calls it a win-win for the community.
Oddly, there have been only a few complaints coming mostly from the husbands of the women involved in this ministry and the Rev. Kain is not surprised, but claims the men need to submit to the authority of the church for the greater good. Rev Kain believes that this is a franchise event equivalent to that of life changing movements such as Joel Olsteen’s “Best Life Now”, Rick Warren’s “Purpose Driven Life” and even Oprah’s new car giveaways. He has already signed with a world wide publisher to tell his story, which will include instructions on how to implement this ministry. He believes that someday many churches in America and in the world will employ similar techniques to reach the lost that won’t step into churches. He even went so far as to say that he believes someday they will hold church services in the clubs, teaching divine truths alongside the divine dancing..
This reporter can’t say if this will happen anytime in the future, but if and when it does, I might just have to start going to church!
NEW YORK – Saan Tain
Correspondent, Huffnpuff Post
4/13/11 – 9:58 PM
and yes this is NOT a real article, but a commentary on the sad state of some churches that allow silliness such as “pole dancing for Jesus”
Look it up!
